Well, so I just wrapped up my latest travel adventure. I must say that not much has changed with the TSA and their inconsistent application of policy and rules.
Many many moons ago, as I would travel through the Tulsa airport, they would give me the line "we recommend that you take off your shoes". ok, thanks for the advice, I will take that recoomendation into consideration. then as I would go through the line they would say, "if you don’t take off your shoes we will search you. Ok, so which is it? You either SUGGEST that I take off my shoes as an OPTIONAL part of security, or you REQUIRE that I take off my shoes to avoid further security hassle. Well, that was the past, and it seems that they got their act together on shoes and now it is required. Thanks TSA for finally getting your act and wording together.
So now we move on to the next debacle….toiletries. Apparently Aboo the terrorist has figured out how to combine various lotions and deoderants together to form a bomb. I knew there was something fishy with those "power balls" in my gel deoderant….but hey at least I never stink! So anyways now the policy is you must take toiletries no larger than 3oz and they must fit in a qt clear bag…(which just so happens to be a size perfected by Zip Lock-how &^%$^ convienent).
So no problem, i had most of my common items in travel sizes already, except for one bottle of lotion that was 3.5oz. big deal, I said, it didn’t even have .5 oz of lotion left in it. So on my trip to denver I whisk through tulsa security, no problems. I whisk back through Denver security, no problem. now on to my most recent houston trip. I whisk through Tulsa security no problem…..
Houston Security on return. I do as the TSA ppl say and pull out all my crap, I lay my shoes and plastic baggy in the same tray and it goes through. Then as it is passing through the detector, Mr. TSA Hero Wannabe decides to riffle through my stuff, picks out my 3.5 oz bottle of lotion and makes a face at me like I’m the biggest fuckup this side of Texas. Just as he is saying "THIS IS OVER 3 OZ" I was like, it doesn’t even have .5 oz of lotion left in it. Then he says it doesnt matter, its the container size, yadda yadda yadda. I was like ‘FINE, ENJOY your EXPERIMENT IN IDOCY AND KEEP IT, I’M GOING HOME WHERE IT PASSED THROUGH SECURITY JUST FINE!" Boy you know those TSA folks must have done a lot of research to determine that .5 OZ makes a world of difference in mixing lotions and astringents into bomb liquids. With that extra .5 OZ I’m sure it can do a lot of damage. Nevermind the clear, unmarked bottle of witch hazel in the SAME BAG that could have been anything from acid to nitroglicerin. (I told my travel companions this comment out load and they got all freakish not to say that out loud-whatever)\
ultimately, it didn’t matter to me that the lotion was taken. I really could have cared less because it was on its last legs. What bothered me, and continues to bother me is the fact that TSA cannot implement rules across all airports consistently. if they had, the bottle would have not made it through Tulsa Security the first time I tried to bring it.
SO, to combat this stupidity, I have devised a subtle way to fuck with TSA and get away with it.
I will be removing all the labels from my toiletries. I will be using more 3 oz clear bottles like the one i already had. Except this time I’m going to place labels on the bottles with things like ‘Bullshit Remover’ ‘Phuck Yoose’ ‘Dumbass Repellant (TSA Approved)’ and of course the all important ‘Common Sense Protectant (SPF 30)’
Now you may say "oh, you are just going to piss them off and they will take them all away" Sure, jack booted gov thugs can do whatever they want, however they would have a hard time justifying taking away harmless liquids that meet the bag and oz requirements. remember, thats all the rules say, it doesnt say what the labels of the contents have to be.
The other scenario is that they will challenge how many of the bottles are 3 oz. Fine, WEIGH THEM. You want to be pricks then go right ahead and PROVE to me they are over 3 oz. I seriously doubt these monkeys have postage scales so that excuse will fly like a lead balloon.
The most likely response from the TSA Hero Wannabes will be they will pull me aside and do a more thorough search just to be assholes. That’s fine, I will just inform them that before we start the search I will need to apply some Dumbass Repellant because it is "medically necessary" and then offer them some Bullshit Remover afterwards.